Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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