my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
