I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
