i wish my penis had a tongue
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize