I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
