im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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