I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
