In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
