Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
