And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
