The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You're like the curious george of whores
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
