You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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