billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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