Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
