i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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