you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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