You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
