I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
