I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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