I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
