my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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