I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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