apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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