The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
