You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
