i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
