new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
