The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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