Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
