Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
smell my finger.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
