My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
