no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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