Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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