I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
