I'm going to jail i love you
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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