I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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