tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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