i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
In other news, I just burned my penis
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
