And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
