every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
