textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
