i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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