Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
