I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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