so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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