my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
