I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
