hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Acid is not a monday night drug
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
