she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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