Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
