You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So here I am, sexting at work.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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