It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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