I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
