you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
