Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
