Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
