Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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