I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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